Friday, June 30, 2006 11:07 PM CDT
OUR BODIES HURT BUT WE KNOW THAT GOD IS LOVING NICHOLAS, AND GOD IS LOVING US SO WE PRAY FOR HELP
We also pray to be nearer to Nicholas and feel God's presence assuring us of His love for Nicholas…and this is what we feel in expressions to Nicholas:
Nicholas, our love, forever you are so deeply in every aspect of our lives. You are forever loved so deeply that we just know you are perfectly, and purely, happy and free from earthly infirmities…"playing and having fun" in your golden play yard.
While life sometimes seems to have no reason or rhyme to how things unfold, when we spiritually look at life here on earth we just know that your loving touch-through the many ways your spirit embraced our hearts and souls-was not by chance. Your love, Nicholas, was and is a gift that guides us to love. And it guides our forever-memories to love in our life, you son! You continually light up our world and spirits illuminating our path even closer to God. You brothers are blessed because of you and love you so, so much. And son, the purity and perfection of God's arms around you must feel so, so good. You, son, are so amazing. We are sure God is more than pleased…and He is more than pleasing you.
You are not away from us and remember, we know that our shared love will always be felt-we just know that and trust and believe God is making this, too, true for you.
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Thursday, June 29, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
CONVERSATIONS
This evening at Nicholas' site there was another surprise visit by friends (met during Nicholas' treatment at Stanford-LPCH). And once again while reading a book aloud, a visit brought joy to our hearts through our collective reflections on Nicholas and the way he was with people of all ages (and the way he still is with people). Expressively, we were told that our doing the things that Nicholas did with people would further open our hearts to his love resulting in peace & joy in our lives. They were talking about the Nicholas Colby Fund…"Helping children be children."
Sometimes we try to describe what it is we are feeling along with our emotions; words just do not make sense to us right now. We do, however, feel Nicholas being at peace and full of wonderment along God's side. We sense his playfulness scrambling in and around us throughout the days and nights. Then we sort of let go, falling onto God from our constant leaning on Him for help and direction. And missing Nicholas we ask God to show us the way while we trust and obey.
READING IT AGAIN
Nicholas certainly had favorites when it came to books, songs, movies, and TV shows. Many times he wanted to read it again, sing it again, watch it again as well as act-out what he was learning. It was fun watching him portray different characters; and sometimes we can vividly see him acting out scenes from things read, sung, and/or watched. Other times we play some of the videos we have of him acting out scenes.
Nicholas is the joy that nothing can take away because Nicholas was brought to us by God…and nothing has power over God…and we are comforted experiencing Nicholas' joy time-and-time again.
Tonight's book, "The Legend Of The Three Trees" by Catherine McCafferty, is one we read to Nicholas a few times. You may remember we talked about it a long time ago. We mention it again now because the notion of God "providing" is poignantly revealed. An excerpt from the book is, "Sometimes, the dreams that we have for ourselves are much smaller than the dreams that God has for us." As hard as this is, we trust and will continually work to obey His words having faith that He will provide…
REMINDER: GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS FOUNDATION AND NBA CARES
The content of the message about the Warriors Foundation and auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund are in the Home Page information above. (Please see above or access (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html) for complete details.
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Wednesday, June 28, 2006 11:45 PM CDT
IN THE MIDST OF UNDERSTANDING
Remember the journal about "I Wonder Why" written by family friend, Hana (November 11, 2005 journal)? While we still wonder why…we pray and listen toward better understanding God's love and His spirit that has always been in operation around Nicholas-and more so now. Nicholas was more than kind, more than caring, more than loving. Through his constant actions it is clear that his love was directed by God and his love was fueling hearts with love, truly from all walks of life and all ages. We were and are blessed with Nicholas IN OUR LIVES.
The things we did and the things we said with Nicholas provide constant memories of love revealing truth about faith from the perspective that Nicholas was able to trust our love and promises to always be with him…as we trusted his love that is with us! Knowing that God is so, so much greater than all of us have us feeling just how much (more than we can imagine) God is delivering on our faith in Him. And Nicholas deserves all the good in heaven!
SURPRISES AND JOY
This evening while mom & dad were reading a book ("You Are My Miracle by Maryann Cusimano Love*) at Nicholas' site, we received a nice surprise via a visit at the site by Nicholas' nanny-Kimmy-and family friend-Julie.
We enjoyed the gentle warmth and occasional breeze that generated lovely sounds from the wind chime and soothing sights from the three-tiered rainbow pinwheel spinning freely with the breeze. We enjoyed the colorful sunset, gazing at the clouds forming wonderful shapes reminding us of Nicholas, and listening to songs (remember Linda singing "Held"** during the Memorial Service?).
And then the crescent-shaped moon against the blue twilight sky warmed our hearts and souls some more as the shape of the moon immediately had us seeing a "smile." Sharing stories while thinking and praying had us rejoicing, momentarily, and there was some laughter. Mom & dad were reminded about another thing Nicholas said; "As long as we are laughing, we are having fun!"
*The book is about how "nothing beats the magic time spent between parent and child…" and is "presented in gentle rhymes and illustrations as warm and glowing as a winter's fire…" Some excerpts: "I am your cocoa; you are my marshmallow…I am your wrapping; you are my surprise…I am your steady hands; you are my rising star…"
**The words and other information about the song are in the journal dated June 8, 2006.
REMINDER: GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS FOUNDATION AND NBA CARES
The content of the message about the Warriors Foundation and auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund are in the Home Page information above. (Please see above or access (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html) for complete details.
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Tuesday, June 27, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
TIME
Nicholas taught us about time…time to SIT, TALK, PAT ("patting" him helped to make him comfortable), ROCK (being "rocked" gently in our arms and/or on our laps was soothing to him), SHARE, CARE, WALK, RUN (even when physically it was improbable he created the courage and strength spiritually, mentally, and physically to more than try…he ran in his way a step at a time and trying again when he fell), LAUGH, PLAY, PRAY, CRY, and above all to better understand LOVE. Nicholas' love continues to teach us these things and more; and through the guestbook entries, cards, emails, and telephone calls the stories of Nicholas' love are growing. Thank you!
Through God, love was the greatest thing that Nicholas helped us to better understand because through love all times and things were right for everyone around each other (near or far). Through God and love…Nicholas is still teaching mom & dad as we sit, talk, pat (remembering Nicholas constantly), rock (feeling his presence consistently), share, care, walk, run, laugh, play, pray, cry, love, and so much more from A ~ Z.
REMINDER: GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS FOUNDATION AND NBA CARES
The content of the message about the Warriors Foundation and auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund are in the Home Page information above. (Please see above or access (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html) for complete details.
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Monday, June 26, 2006 10:45 PM CDT
MEMORIALS NEAR AND FAR
We have received word from a few family/friends regarding memorials that will be constructed...plans underway. These memorials range from Lafayette here in the Bay Area ~ to the Central Coast in the Monterey Area ~ to the Hollister area in the Central Valley. Although we will provide details of these plans as they become final, we are mentioning it now to express our appreciation to everyone continually "showing up" in our lives-in your own way-helping us to feel more than supported…we just know that we are loved. And the reason for it all is Nicholas! What a blessing he is in our lives: touching, guiding, and leading us even today because of God.
JOURNALS AND THE UPCOMING NICHOLASCOLBYFUND.ORG SITE
The focus of our journals always has been Nicholas and moving forward focusing on him will continue. While we have touched on our feelings, we want to ensure that Nicholas remains the focus because it is through God and because of Nicholas that sharing experiences and our learnings have meant so much to us-and we trust have meant so much to you as well. In fact, Nicholas saying, "Do you want a piece of me?" is seemingly his calling card to all of us so from that perspective Nicholas' legacy living on through the Nicholas Colby Fund will continue to provide real experiences (pieces of Nicholas) that should touch our hearts and lives moving forward.
Speaking of the Nicholas Colby Fund, the frame of the new website (www.nicholascolbyfund.org) is in place with some content; however, the final logo, structure of the site, content flow, etc. will soon be populated and on this CaringBridge site we will let you know once the nicholascolbyfund.org is in full operation. Also, we will soon provide details about the Nicholas Colby Fund including how the Fund has already helped others. Nicholas' legacy will live on…"Helping children be children." Thank you for your direct and in-direct support and donations-you continue to make a wonderful difference in Nicholas' life and spirit, in our lives, and in the lives of others the Nicholas Colby Fund helps!
REMINDER: GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS FOUNDATION AND NBA CARES
The content of the message about the Warriors Foundation and auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund is in the Home Page information above. (Please see above or access (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html) for complete details.
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Sunday, June 25, 2006 11:37 PM CDT
THE GREATEST LOVE IN THE WORLD
Today is the 31st day since Nicholas has left us in body and although we believe Nicholas is in heaven-experiencing ALL the good prevailing thoughts imagine heaven to be-and believe God absolutely loves us as well...the physical pain and pain cutting into our minds generates unbearable moments throughout the day & night.
And like so many times during the 552 days Nicholas was navigating all the "leukemia and bone marrow stuff" (when with Nicholas we would talk, cry, pray, and feel God's love) we cry, pray, and do feel God's love. We pray more and more to open up to better receive God's love allowing God's love to do what the greatest love does...
Our trust, belief, and witnessing love do some wonderfully amazing things for Nicholas during the 552 days (in fact, before November 19, 2004 and even now) clearly demonstrates that God does things "for" us and not "to" us. While "hope" is a good thing and no good thing ever "dies"...with evidence of God's love we more than hope His word fulfills its promises-we trust God's word to do what it says it will do. Through God our little sunshine, Nicholas, continues to light up our lives in thought and feeling all around us. Oh how we need God to fulfill us as we pray recognizing that only God can give us joy & peace. And Nicholas, "you know, you just know" that we are loving you as we know you are loving us…we are so, so grateful to know that God, Jesus, love, spirit, and all the pure & perfect attributes of heaven are your playground where you are "playing and having fun" providing love to all of us as we think of you!
REMINDER: GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS FOUNDATION AND NBA CARES
The contents of the message about the Warriors Foundation and there auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund is in the Home Page information above. (Please see above or access (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html) for complete details.
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Saturday, June 24, 2006 11:36 PM CDT
OVERWHELMED
The feeling of emptiness is overwhelming-we miss Nicholas so much. Although we absolutely trust that he is fine: fulfilled with all the goodness and greatness of God in all the goodness and greatness of God's work…
WHAT WE READ TODAY
Love has been constant in our lives…although it has been so easy with Nicholas because he radiates with love himself and love really begets love. So if you could not tell, the love in our journals is truly love in our lives (in everything we do love is the foundation that builds who we are and how we "show up" in the lives of others). Not surprising then, today the book we read at Nicholas' site was about love-we trust everyone at every age and stage in there life will appreciate the way love is presented in the book, "No Matter What" by Debi Gliori:
Small was feeling grim and dark.
Playing toss and fling and squash,
Yell and scream and bang and crash.
Break and snap and bash and batter…
"Good grief, " said Large.
"What is the matter?"
Small said, "I'm a grim and grumpy little Small and nobody loves me at all."
"Oh Small," said Large. "Grumpy or not, I'll always love you no matter what."
Small said, "If I was a grizzly bear, would you still love me, would you care?"
"Of course," said Large, "bear or not, I'll always love you no matter what."
Small said, "But if I turned into a bug, would you still love me and give me a hug?"
"Of course," said Large, "bug or not, I'll always love you no matter what."
"No matter what?" said Small and smiled. "What if I was a crocodile?" Large said, "I'd hug you close and tight, and tuck you up in bed each night." "Does love wear out," said Small, "does it break or bend? Can you fix it, stick it, does it mend?" "Oh help," said Large, "I'm not that clever, I just know I'll love you for ever."
Small said, "But what about when we're dead and gone, would you love me then, does love go on?" Large held Small snug as they looked out at the night, at the moon in the dark and the stars shining bright. "Small, look at the stars ~ how they shine and glow, but some of those stars died a long time ago."
"Still they shine in the evening skies, love, like starlight, never dies."
Note: The books we have talked about on these journals deeply touch your senses when you read the words and see the pictures. Until then, we trust Nicholas' selected books touch your heart as they provide a glimpse into his heart…and now his soul as his spirit is lifted to the highest of the high, and with the highest of the high!
REMINDER: GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS FOUNDATION AND NBA CARES
The contents of the message about the Warriors Foundation and there auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund is in the Home Page information above. (Please see above or access (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html) for complete details.
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Friday, June 23, 2006 11:44 PM CDT
FLAVOR OF HAWAII IN LAFAYETTE
Most of you know that Nicholas loved being in Hawaii: the beach, snorkeling, dolphins, rainbows… Tonight, Hawaii was brought to his Oakmont site; Sarah (a family friend) just returned from a high school graduation trip spent in Hawaii. She brought a Lei, sand, and a song sung Hawaiian style called "Over The Rainbow" (you could hear it in the movie, "50 First Dates"). So at his site tonight, the Lei was laid out into a heart shape, the sand was sprinkled over his site, and "Over The Rainbow" was playing as we enjoyed the sunset…
And a wind chime gift from friends (Emma & Michael) met at Children's Hospital-Oakland was placed in a tree over his site. The wind that sometimes sweeps over the rolling hills of Briones Regional Park provides an array of speeds…and generates soothing sounds from the chimes.
THANKFUL
Although we have not fully shared the pain that penetrates everywhere within us, we are thankful for countless blessings. We have been asked in many caring ways about our un-wavering trust in God's love. While it is has been a very, very difficult and devastating leukemia and bone marrow journey, we have been thankful for the ability to love Nicholas in all the ways shared (most of you read about on these journals) because God has "enabled" us to love Nicholas. It may seem like God did not give Nicholas what he needed (Nicholas prayed and called out to God for "what I need") and we still struggle with this notion along with questions of why. And then we trust God to know what Nicholas needed…and knew as well as know how mom & dad needed as well as needs to "be there" for Nicholas fulfilling him in ways that could only be accomplished through God. God has given us the ability to provide for Nicholas in ways we simply may not understand right now…but we feel Nicholas was-and IS-loved in ways that let him know that he was-and IS-LOVED!
REMINDER: GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS FOUNDATION AND NBA CARES
June 19, 2006 through August 21, 2006 (or later)
The contents of the message about the Warriors Foundation and there auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund will be in the Home Page information above, at least through August 21, 2006. (Please see above or access (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html) for complete details.
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Thursday, June 22, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
***UPDATE UNDER "TO OUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS"***
REMINDER: GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS FOUNDATION AND NBA CARES
June 19, 2006 through August 21, 2006 (or later)
The contents of the message about the Warriors Foundation and there auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund will be in the Home Page information above at least through August 21, 2006. (Please see above)
TO OUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS
It has now been four weeks since Nicholas has passed and our hearts and minds hurt so much. The pain seems to be settling deeper and deeper, and our prayers keep on getting stronger and stronger. Stronger because we need God just as much now as we have always needed Him as we pray being thankful for so much good that has been in Nicholas' life. And we pray for God's love to continually embrace us as He certainly is embracing Nicholas. As children, many of us remember the song, "Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so…" As horrible the last four weeks have been, we think that we would not want to have been without God during any moment of Nicholas' 552-day fight or now. As we have sung and prayed words from the song, "He's My Son"…"God, who he need right now is you…" and we open our arms needing God just as much now.
"To our friends who have become family and to our family who are our friends, may you be blessed with the same love and care you have given to Nicholas and to us." This is the message we wrote on the Celebration of Life program and it is the message that continues to be true in terms of how you are still in our lives-thank you so very much for being with us, in your own way but "being with us!"
All three hospitals (Children's Hospital-Oakland, Stanford-Lucile Packard Children's Hospital, and The Children's Hospital-Denver) continue to be in our lives through their cards, guestbook entries and telephone calls. Since Nicholas' passing, his primary nurse at the TCH-Denver has talked with us a few times and today we received a call from his doctor at the TCH-Denver. A warm, helpful conversation ensued and it reminded us of the amazing loving & attentive care Nicholas regularly received. It has always been a blessing for mom & dad to consistently experience the staff-at all levels-"being there" for Nicholas every step of the way: during good medical days and bad medical days. The medical staff has become friends and, here too, they have become family to us. Thank you…well instead of stating the names at these three hospitals that will take us down the alphabet…thank you all at CHO, LPCH, and TCH! You show what it means to care and Nicholas was and is benefiting from it in many dimensions, as well as mom & dad.
God is with us, He has placed you in our lives!
WHAT WAS READ TONIGHT
Nicholas knows that he is loved and tonight at his site dad read, "I Love You As Much…" by Laura Krauss Melmed. Here are the words:
Said the mother horse to her child, "I love you as much as a warm summer breeze."
Said the mother bear to her child, "I love you as much as the forest has trees."
Said the mother camel to her child, "I love you as much as the desert is dry."
Said the mother goose to her child, "I love you as much as the endless blue sky."
Said the mother sheep to her child, "I love you as much as the grass on the hill."
Said the mother mouse to her child, "I love you as much as the grain in the mill."
Said the mother goat to her child, "I love you as much as the mountain is steep."
Said the mother whale to her child, "I love you as much as the ocean is deep."
Now sleep, child of mine, while the stars shine above-I love you as much as a mother (father) can love.
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Wednesday, June 21, 2006 11:20 PM CDT
VIEWING SERVICE VIDEO
(From the "Viewing" the night before the Memorial Service)
The Video Tribute from the Memorial Service-that was set to poignant music including songs that Nicholas loved, and pictures including many of you-will soon be available. In the meantime, following is the web address to the view the Viewing Service video that was playing at Oakmont the night before the Celebration of Life services held on June 2, 2006. This video primarily shows Nicholas & family members, captions, and includes quiet music enabling soothing reflection moments.
Please go to www.mem.com; go to "Search" under the menu bar on the left side and enter "Gilbert" and press "GO;" then at the bottom of the page showing people with the last name of Gilbert select a "page" that reveals Nicholas; then click on Nicholas' name; then select "Music" under the menu bar on the right side of the page; turn your PC speakers on and you will then see, hear, and have another opportunity to reflect on Nicholas.
Again and again, we know we are blessed to have you in our lives and we thank you so very much.
REMINDER: WARRIORS FOUNDATION AND NBA CARES
As you have seen or learned, the Golden State Warriors (professional basketball team) relationship continues to vibrantly live with Nicholas! Through the Warriors Foundation (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html), they are auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund. Please copy and paste the link above into your browser or go to the Warriors Home Page to access the "Warriors Fan Experience Auction" link for all the details about the auction (and see another picture of Nicholas with Thunder-his favorite mascot).
Remember, we will soon transition this CaringBridge site to a www.NicholasColbyFund.org site enabling continuance of the sharing all of us have been part of, making it more interactive, and enabling Nicholas' legacy to live on-helping children be children.
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Tuesday, June 20, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
***WE CANNOT LET GO***
It has now been 26 days since Nicholas has passed; along with the constant piercing and gut wrenching pain we are sporadically comforted by calling out "Father…" as we pray to God for His love. Remember, crying and praying with Nicholas was a comforting way to be closer to God as our crying enabled us to deeply connect with our feelings transforming them into words of prayer.
Because we cannot, or chose not to, let go we are so thankful for so many blessings received prior to and during the 552 days of all the "leukemia and bone marrow stuff." A June 8 guestbook entry from New York provided a poignant perspective: "…his seemed a life short of nothing but time." And we will hang on to last night's journal one more day as we, too, reflect on all of you and your amazing way that you love Nicholas and support us.
So one more time: bubbles, shooting star, what makes Nicholas happy, what Nicholas wants…
BUBBLES
Remember the bubbles jetting out from car windows after the Memorial Service, during the procession? Nicholas loves bubbles: they are full of light, color, and fun. PLEASE CLICK ON VIEW PHOTOS and scroll to the third picture to see the bubbles floating tonight at Nicholas' site. They were floating around and up, up to heaven to continually delight Nicholas.
CONCLUDING THE CELEBRATION OF LIFE RECAP
From the Memorial Service, Interment, and Celebration of Life, Nicholas' passion and love guided their delivery and last night's journal concluded the recap of speakers and singers (please click on View Photos and scroll to the second picture to see the details of the overall celebration). And after the Nieuwsma girls blessed our ears and hearts with beautiful songs played on a harp, mom & dad reflected on Nicholas' life and the Celebration of his life.
REFLECTION
Mom & dad used a "shooting star" (not falling star) analogy asking what do many of us say when a shooting star is seen? The common answer…see it again! Keeping with this analogy, we will see Nicholas again, again, again…because Nicholas lives in our hearts in so many different ways for most, if not, all of us. Because of all your beautiful thoughts and prayers, and "because you livvve son, my world has twice as many stars in the sky."
We then shared Nicholas' responses to questions a couple of months ago by a Stanford-LPCH social worker that was very engaged with Nicholas and mom & dad since March 31, 2005. The responses were generated by an open, free-flowing conversation that we were aware of. Following are some of the questions along with Nicholas' responses:
What makes you happy?
-Playing with my toys
-Drawing and painting pictures
-Writing, board games, and card games
-Playing with friends
-Easter egg hunts
What makes you sad?
-I do not get sad much
What are things that you want?
-Go to Disneyland and the Monterey Bay Aquarium again
-When things hurt, for mom & dad to fix it
-I like it when mom rocks me
-I like it when dad hugs me when I do not feel good
-Super powers: being fire, really strong, stretch real far
-To fly
Well, Nicholas is flying with amazing powers at God's side, in God's hands, and in God-speed… We realize these truths AND we miss Nicholas' physical presence so much.
LIGHTING UP OUR WORLD
Concluding the celebration, once again Nicholas' song-of-love began to play. (It is the song playing in the background once this site is accessed; are your PC speakers on right now for you to hear his song about caring, passion, love, and so much more that is truly pieces of Nicholas continually lighting up our world.)
REMINDER: WARRIORS FOUNDATION AND NBA CARES
As you have seen or learned, the Golden State Warriors (professional basketball team) relationship continues to vibrantly live with Nicholas! Through the Warriors Foundation (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html), they are auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund. Please copy and paste the link above into your browser or go to the Warriors Home Page to access the "Warriors Fan Experience Auction" link for all the details about the auction (and see another picture of Nicholas with Thunder-his favorite mascot).
Remember, we will soon transition this CaringBridge site to a www.NicholasColbyFund.org site enabling continuance of the sharing all of us have been part of, making it more interactive, and enabling Nicholas' legacy to live on-helping children be children.
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Monday, June 19, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
BUBBLES
Remember the bubbles jetting out from car windows after the Memorial Service, during the procession? Nicholas loves bubbles: they are full of light, color, and fun. PLEASE CLICK ON VIEW PHOTOS and scroll to the third picture to see the bubbles floating tonight at Nicholas' site. They were floating around and up, up to heaven to continually delight Nicholas.
***CONCLUDING THE CELEBRATION OF LIFE RECAP***
From the Memorial Service, Interment, and Celebration of Life, Nicholas' passion and love guided their delivery and last night's journal concluded the recap of speakers and singers (please click on View Photos and scroll to the second picture to see the details of the overall celebration). And after the Nieuwsma girls blessed our ears and hearts with beautiful songs played on a harp, mom & dad reflected on Nicholas' life and the Celebration of his life.
REFLECTION
Mom & dad used a "shooting star" (not falling star) analogy asking what do many of us say when a shooting star is seen? The common answer…see it again! Keeping with this analogy, we will see Nicholas again, again, again…because Nicholas lives in our hearts in so many different ways for most, if not, all of us. Because of all your beautiful thoughts and prayers, and "because you livvve son, my world has twice as many stars in the sky."
We then shared Nicholas' responses to questions a couple of months ago by a Stanford-LPCH social worker that was very engaged with Nicholas and mom & dad since March 31, 2005. The responses were generated by an open, free-flowing conversation that we were aware of. Following are some of the questions along with Nicholas' responses:
What makes you happy?
-Playing with my toys
-Drawing and painting pictures
-Writing, board games, and card games
-Playing with friends
-Easter egg hunts
What makes you sad?
-I do not get sad much
What are things that you want?
-Go to Disneyland and the Monterey Bay Aquarium again
-When things hurt, for mom & dad to fix it
-I like it when mom rocks me
-I like it when dad hugs me when I do not feel good
-Super powers: being fire, really strong, stretch real far
-To fly
Well, Nicholas is flying with amazing powers at God's side, in God's hands, and in God-speed… We realize these truths AND we miss Nicholas' physical presence so much.
LIGHTING UP OUR WORLD
Concluding the celebration, once again Nicholas' song-of-love began to play. (It is the song playing in the background once this site is accessed; are your PC speakers on right now for you to hear his song about caring, passion, love, and so much more that is truly pieces of Nicholas continually lighting up our world.)
***WARRIORS FOUNDATION AND NBA CARES***
As you have seen or learned, the Golden State Warriors (professional basketball team) relationship continues to vibrantly live with Nicholas! Through the Warriors Foundation (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html), they are auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund. Please copy and paste the link above into your browser or go to the Warriors Home Page to access the "Warriors Fan Experience Auction" link for all the details about the auction (and see another picture of Nicholas with Thunder-his favorite mascot).
Remember, we will soon transition this CaringBridge site to a www.NicholasColbyFund.org site enabling continuance of the sharing all of us have been part of, making it more interactive, and enabling Nicholas' legacy to live on-helping children be children.
NOTE: In case I did not state the correct Warriors link above for you to access the Warriors Foundation and their effort for Nicholas, I will provide it tomorrow night although beginning tomorrow (Monday) I believe you will be able to access complete information through the Golden State Warriors home page>Community>Warriors Foundation.
4:07 PM
HAPPY FATHER’S DAY
HAPPY FATHER’S DAY
“Happy Father’s Day!” in a soft, warm, loving way would have been the first thing Nicholas said this morning—or just after midnight last night as we were often up until then. Today at church and a brief stop at a Farmer’s Market we were around children as any other day and, understandably, Nicholas was the lens for which we saw the children, the families, and the congregation. As gut wrenching difficult every moment continues to be, we see Nicholas in the world of our eyes, hearts, souls, and spirit. And amazingly, seeing Nicholas spiritually makes some of these encounters okay. Okay, we guess, because seeing Nicholas we still see God’s loving touch and perfect work although it is still so piercingly painful to be without Nicholas. We trust God’s love to deliver peace, comfort, and love although some things are still hard to understand.
One of our prayers on this Father’s Day is trusting God’s words to deliver what they say they will…and perhaps Nicholas is saying Happy Father’s Day to my father…and I believe I am feeling, really feeling, in my heart and soul that Nicholas’ spirit is delivering a kiss to me and patting my back with the gentle, loving touch his beautiful little hands always delivers!
Our Father’s Day wishes is that every father today, and everyday, continually cultivates and really “show” love to your family. It is so comforting to know—to really know—that the love shared is received, felt, and shares itself. When you wake up in the morning, when you may be away during the day, and when you go to sleep at night…knowing the high, active level of love shared within your family fuels your heart and soul to a point that comforts more than you would ever, ever, ever imagine. Love and really help your children to be children…
Saturday, June 17, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
***CONTINUING OUR RECAP OF NICHOLAS’ JUNE 2 CELEBRATION OF LIFE***
Picking up from Thursday night, completing the recap will continue Sunday night and should be complete by Tuesday night.
MUSIC AND PRAYER ARE OUR BRIDGES GETTING US WHERE WE WANT TO GO
Throughout Nicholas’ journey in life, not just the leukemia and bone marrow journey, music has been a bridge for many of our conversations—many experiences and expressions. Our prayers have turned into songs and our songs have led to prayers.
You may remember the song, “Because You Live,” by Jesse McCartney that we would hear over and over on the Disney Channel. As much as many of you as well as mom & dad have used sunshine and star in conversations describing Nicholas, many months ago we modified the song, “Because You Live,” to fit how we felt. Remember, we sang it like this: “Because you livvve, son, my world, has twice as many stars in the sky…”
As we listen to the words since Nicholas’ passing, we choose to interpret part of the song and position it as another reason for us to carry on Nicholas’ passion for caring about children. Nicholas, himself, was a child in one respect; a beautiful, caring person in another respect; with a spirit that is so alive, at play, and still at work for God today. Following is a portion of the song flowing throughout our thoughts: “…Because you live there’s a reason why; I carry on when I lose the fight; I want to give what you’ve given me, always; because you live…”
***NOTE***
Please click on View Photos and scroll to the third picture showing the transition underway of the family/Nicholas’ site at Oakmont in Lafayette. (Other photos of the transition, and view to the right of the setting sun, are on the third album below under Links.)
***GET READY***
AMAZING RELATIONSHIP…WARRIORS FOUNDATION AND NBA CARES
The Golden State Warriors (professional basketball team) relationship continues to vibrantly live with Nicholas! Through the Warriors Foundation and to be referenced on this CaringBridge site, in a couple days you will have complete information about an online Warriors auction to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund.
Friday, June 16, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
***CONTINUING OUR RECAP OF NICHOLAS’ CELEBRATION OF LIFE***
Instead of last night, Sunday night we will share the “behind the scenes” message from Stanford-LPCH nurse practitioner Karen Kristovich, and the touching poem written by LPCH Dr. Gary Dahl referenced Thursday night. Also, we will share a very, very touching replay of an Open Mic Remembrance shared by Nicholas’ life long friend, Joey—whom Nicholas shared virtually every moment of his life. (Joey’s message will be shared as he wrote it, the sweet little friend that he is.)
TODAY AND TONIGHT
Mom & dad visited Nicholas’s site late morning before driving to a small town near Yosemite for a nephew’s high school graduation. The bench and bird-bath was installed at Nicholas’ site today to go along with all the plants added in the borders of the site and going down the slope toward Briones Regional Park. The Oakmont site in Lafayette is now the park-like setting that is so fit for Nicholas. As much as he loved everyone (you have seen it, heard it, or experienced his love) he also loved nature which is why we say the site is so fit for him. The walks we would take, the stroll along beaches, the gazing into the sky, it was all so beautiful. And it is still all so beautiful: beautiful “times” Nicholas equals heavenly walks, strolls, and gazes that we will share in our hearts and souls with Nicholas as he will with us!
Tonight up in the mountains, mom & dad were even closer to the stars which were so vivid and vibrant that it was truly as if we could touch them. The stars were densely speckled and brighter than bright. And we praise God for these moments reminding us of His love; these moments generate a lot of comfort knowing that Nicholas is more than all right. In a way, we believe that time now for Nicholas is in such a way that when we see him again (when ever that is), for him it will have been like he was at school for the day, or visiting a friend, or away having a play-date.
Following is something Nicholas would sing with us: “I do, I do, I do love you, I do love you, I do love you, I do—love you!” Our little sunshine, our angel, we know that you know we love you. We are so glad that we talked many times about “knowing” each of us loves the other and feeling it within our spirit and our souls. We miss Nicholas so, so much and really believe he is "playing and having fun!"
AMAZING RELATIONSHIP…WARRIORS FOUNDATION AND NBA CARES
The Golden State Warriors (professional basketball team) relationship continues to vibrantly live with Nicholas! Through the Warriors Foundation and to be referenced on this CaringBridge site, in a few days you will have complete information about an online Warriors auction to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund.
Friday, June 16, 2006 1:59 PM CDT
***Update Since Last Night***
AMAZING RELATIONSHIP…WARRIORS FOUNDATION AND NBA CARES
The Golden State Warriors (professional basketball team) relationship continues to vibrantly live with Nicholas! Through the Warriors Foundation and to be referenced on this CaringBridge site, in a few days you will have complete information about an online Warriors auction to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund.
Thursday, June 15, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
THE “NICHOLAS COLBY FUND”
Remember, in memory of our beautiful son—Nicholas Colby Gilbert—who will continue to vibrantly live in all of our lives, a non-profit Nicholas Colby Fund has been established by a dear friend of ours to help other children or children of parents who are sick or suffer setbacks—lovingly providing for children. While overall details about the Nicholas Colby Fund are being documented, please know that more information about the Fund will soon be provided.
Also, we will soon transition this CaringBridge site to a www.NicholasColbyFund.org site enabling continuance of the sharing all of us have been part of, making it more interactive, and enabling Nicholas’ legacy to live on—helping children be children.
Tax-Deductible Donations May Be Made To:
Nicholas Colby Fund
1547 Palos Verdes Mall, PMB 260
Walnut Creek, CA 94597-2228
***CONTINUING OUR RECAP OF NICHOLAS’ CELEBRATION OF LIFE***
The celebration of Nicholas’ life continued with the Friends Remember segment, before transitioning to Open Mic Remembrances where family, friends, and new acquaintances in the audience directly participated by sharing stories about the experiences with Nicholas. Following is the replay of the last two speakers before Open Mic:
ANGEL, NICHOLAS
There was once a little angel in Heaven who decided to come down to Earth. In order to leave Heaven he had to give up his wings, full well knowing that being bound to Earth's physical laws would be a great weight and a challenge. Nevertheless he went, knowing he would touch many lives with love. This little angel touched many lives with love. He brought sunshine to his family and to many others.
Earth life was a great challenge, and this little angel encountered difficulties along the way, as do all angels who come to Earth, but he soldiered on. He missed being able to fly above the complexities of life. But it was at night, in his sleep, that he once again donned his angel wings and soared above the earthly realm, reveling in the soft breezes only found above the clouds.
One day this little angel was done with his time on Earth. He missed his wings, and his Heavenly Father missed him too. He called him Home again, meeting him at the door of Heaven with his cherished angel wings, which he donned immediately.
Now this little angel dances in the skies above us. He blows us kisses and whispers to us that the sun is still shining above the clouds, and that the stars still faithfully twinkle even when they are blocked from our sight. He is light as a feather now, with no more weights and cares, surrounded only by the all-encompassing love of Heaven.
Our hearts are with you, little angel. Thank you for braving the challenges of Earth to bring love to us, and thank you also for watching over us now. You will always be a reminder to us that our wings are also waiting, and someday we will soar together again, like we did once upon a time before our Earth lives.
It's only a matter of time before we are all together again in the light of a heavenly new day. Then there will be no regrets, no tears, only love and happiness, hugs, and heavenly music, times of fellowship and joy, and the spending of all eternity, together once again.
-Anonymous, read by Don Ellison
MESSAGE ABOUT NICHOLAS AND RELATIONSHIPS
Good Afternoon.
Today has been an opportunity for hundreds of people to give witness to how many lives a child can touch. Some of us were privileged to know Nicholas Colby Gilbert. Others know of him through their friendship with his parents Sheila and Lamont, his brothers, his grandparents, his aunts and uncles. Other people have the sense that they have known Nick because of the generosity of word and witness that his family has made on Nicholas’ website. His encounter with leukemia—a journey that lasted about a third of his life—is one what demonstrates enormous courage, resilience, faith, hope and especially love. I don’t really like the words: battle and fight—because they imply that there are winners and losers. Nicholas’ leukemia was very powerful—that is true—and the cures for it do not yet exist—but Nicholas was a winner—and oh, what a race he ran for us to admire.
As a Chaplain at Lucile Packard Children’s Hospital, I have the privilege of meeting families from many faith traditions. It seems to me that a common thread is “relationship”. Relationship with a divine presence, which in this place we call God, manifested in God’s son Jesus Christ…or relationship with a sense of the universal or the natural world,…or relationship between human beings as the best example of creative life.
Nicholas was “all about relationship”. His natural exuberance and winning ways drew people to him under all conditions. Sheila and Lamont had nurtured such a confident, well-loved child that he was totally free to make connections with as many people as he could fit into his world. He never forgot a name and he made each of us believe that our arrival in his room at the hospital was the visit he had been waiting for all day.
When I first met Nicholas in the spring of 2005, he liked to pray. It was part of his family’s way of life and we were all optimistic, faithful, and confident. We sent Nicholas out of the hospital to enjoy his summer and thrive. By the fall, his condition had become unstable again and fear sat permanently in the back of the minds and hearts of those close to him. Perhaps even Nicholas sensed that all was not well—for he resisted returning to the hospital a few times. Sheila and Lamont courageously held their cherished hope for their child in one hand while they absorbed more and more sobering news in the other hand. Their “hope” was expressed in little ways—the desire for as much of a normal life as possible. One day, Nicholas asked why he was still getting “time outs” when he was so sick in the hospital. His parent’s reply: “because you need to be a thoughtful, kind person.” Live as if you’ll live forever!
During this time, Nicholas sent me away sometimes when I came in to pray. “No, thanks,” he’d say to my inquiry. When I finally figured out that our praying aloud together often caused his mom to cry, I told him we’d take a break—and I’d say my prayers out of the room. I wouldn’t ask him anymore “how are you today” and I wouldn’t ask his mom questions either. When I honored his rules…I could visit. You see…the chaplain is one of the hospital people you can throw out of your room and not suffer any consequences.
In late November, Lamont told me that Nicholas himself was praying aloud all day long—for healing, for God’s presence, for care of his family. Relationship! I asked Nicholas about his prayers and asked if he would be willing to pray for me because I was having a difficult week, meeting some new families. “Sure”, he said. And this six-year-old boy enveloped me with words of encouragement, challenge, gratitude and so much love. When I wrote him a note later that day, I told him that I had had a wonderful day with patients and families because I felt God so close to me.
Because we had shared prayers together, Nicholas and I became more comfortable with each other. We didn’t have deep, theological conversations. I think he had those with his Mom and Dad, which was more appropriate than with me. He would ask me to pray that he would be healed and be a normal kid.
The healing has occurred, but Nicholas Colby Gilbert was never a “normal” kid—he was extra-ordinary—one of a kind—gifted and joyous. In the Christian tradition, we read a particular passage of scripture at the baptism of children: it is the story of the adults around Jesus trying to discourage the crush of parents bringing their children to be touched by Jesus. “Let the children come to me, do not hinder them; for to such belongs the realm of God. Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the realm of God like a child shall not enter it.”
Nicholas understood this “realm” of God. He may have tried to bargain with God for time—just like he tried to bargain for a few more chips with salsa or another shrimp. I don’t believe Nicholas had any barriers with God—only relationship. For that, I am truly grateful—and will forever be reminded when I think of Nicholas, that love—love of a child—love LIKE a child-- makes ALL relationships possible.
Dr. Gary Dahl was one of Nicholas’ oncologists. Dr. Dahl writes poetry to express the deep feelings associated with his life work. He isn’t here today, but asked if I would read his poem for Nicholas. This is a poem of relationship—of connection—of faithful confidence—of a life lived fully.
And I say to you—the Gilberts’ friends and family—remember relationship—in Nicholas’ style. Stay close to Sheila and Lamont and their boys. Give them your love, your laughter, your “check-in”, your home-cooked meals, your prayers, your faith. That is how we will all continue to honor Nicholas.
-Written and read by Reverend Marilyn Corvin, Stanford-Lucile Packard Children’s Hospital
NOTE: Tomorrow we will share the “behind the scenes” message from Stanford-LPCH nurse practitioner Karen Kristovich, and the touching poem written by LPCH Dr. Gary Dahl referenced above. Also, we will share a very, very touching replay of an Open Mic Remembrance shared by Nicholas’ life long friend, Joey (whom Nicholas shared virtually every moment of his life).
Wednesday, June 14, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
NICHOLAS’ LIFE WAS/IS CERTAINLY NOT IN VAIN
Today hurt so much, not for any specific memory triggered, it just hurt so much not having Nicholas physically with us. Yes…we know, trust, and believe Nicholas is having a heavenly time in God’s hands—and he absolutely deserves EVERYTHING an angel deserves because he gave all of himself, and is giving, in so many ways for the joy of others.
Recent Guestbook entries and a couple specific telephone calls today, clearly let us know that God’s love for Nicholas is lively working through Nicholas even today, as we have said before, love is begetting love. Like the poems in yesterday’s journal that were read during the June 2, 2006 Celebration of Life, the song and poem below let us know that God is God, good is good, and love will beget love…God will provide for us as well.
A walk on the trail right next to our home provided some warmth, comfort, and beauty: in the air, in the sky, in our thoughts, in our memories, in our senses…and in conversations with friends on the trail as well. We could feel Nicholas’ presence all around us: the warm breeze was like his breath against our cheeks as we would cuddle, the twinkling of the stars were like his eyes sparkling as we would gaze into each others eyes, and the sweet scent of the flowers were like the wonderful scent of his skin as we would gently kiss goodnight or any other time we could sneak one in. We miss his physical presence so deeply; we pray for God’s comfort to help us through this.
***CONTINUING OUR RECAP OF NICHOLAS’ CELEBRATION OF LIFE***
As the celebration of Nicholas’ life began to flow, Ed Harris, Sr. sang— A-Cappella (no instruments)— a slow, beautifully penetrating song titled, “If I Can Help Somebody.” For those who know and are beginning to know Nicholas, most likely you will feel and see Nicholas’ smiling face & gentle touch in the words and the rhythm of the music. Then, the first of our last three speakers, Gina Baker, read a poem titled, “I’m Free,” that she wrote for Nicholas. As you read the words, here too, you will see that it speaks of our little sunshine—Nicholas, the words are so comforting to mom and dad. The recap of June 2 have enabled mom & dad to focus on Nicholas in the celebratory way that he lived. We thank all of you for being part of the celebration as your presence and actions are gifts to us. And the gifts are because of Nicholas who continues to vibrantly live in all of us!
IF I CAN HELP SOMEBODY
(The version sang is from the original motion picture soundtrack for Fried Green Tomatoes, and originally sung by Aaron Hall.)
If I can help as I pass along
If I cheer somebody with a word or song
If I can show somebody he is traveling wrong
Then my living shall not be in vain
If I can do my duty as a good man ought
If I can bring back beauty to world of wrought
If I can spread loves message that the master taught
Then my living shall not be in vain
Then my living shall not be in vain
Then my living shall not be in vain
If I can help somebody as I pass along
Then my living shall not be in vain
-Sung by Ed Harris. Sr. at Nicholas’ Celebration of Life
I’M FREE
I’m in your heart and you’re in mine.
We’ll be there ‘til the end of time.
I’m with you always don’t worry so,
It was just time for me to go.
I’m free now and everything is okay,
I can run and jump, and laugh and play.
Swing on the stars that’s what I will do,
Or fly to the moon, that will be fun too.
Next, to the beach I must go,
And play with the dolphins that I love so.
The clouds are a fun place to laze about,
I’m free, I’m free, can you hear me shout?!
No worries and no care,
In your dreams you will see me there.
I’m in the stars, I’m on the moon,
I’m flying round and around, zoom-zoom.
I’m watching over you from above,
And spreading around my heavenly love.
-Written and read by Gina Baker
Tuesday, June 13, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
WHAT A DIFFERNCE A DAY—WELL GOD—MAKES
It seems like just as Nicholas’ journey was long, our journey with this “new normal” is long and it has only been 19 days. Mom & dad were reminded today that missing Nicholas so badly and hurting could be two different things. Two different things because God does not have Nicholas in Heaven for us to be hurting…although missing him is certainly understandable because he was and continues to be so amazing in terms of love begetting love… This knowledge does not make everything okay; however, this knowledge certainly helps us to focus our prayers and understanding that God loves all of us and His love begets love and love will help ease, at least, the pain away.
GUESTBOOKS AND EMAILS FROM YOU TODAY LINK SO WARMLY
We received a couple of emails today that were consistent with the above understanding as well as some of today’s Guestbook entries—thank you so, so much for these and no doubt your prayers. We say it again, what have we done to be so blessed with your—all of you—friendship?
And the Guestbook entries along with the emails referenced above, as well as readings from the beginning of the Celebration of Life on June 2, 2006 are aligned with the goodness of God during this terribly hard time…
***CONTINUING OUR RECAP OF NICHOLAS’ CELEBRATION OF LIFE***
The Memorial Session and Interment Session were as much as a Celebration of Life as the third and final component positioned as the Celebration of Life. After some lively stories about Nicholas, our nieces, Felecia and Stephanie, read the following poems, respectively:
I’M FREE
Don’t grieve for me, for I’m free,
I am following the path God laid for me.
I took His hand when I heard Him call,
I turned my back and left it all.
I could not stay another day,
To laugh, to love, to work or play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way,
I found that peace at the close of the day.
If my parting has left a void,
Then remember it with remembered joy.
A friendship shred, a laugh, a kiss,
Ah, these things I too will miss.
Be not burdened with time of sorrow,
I wish for you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life’s been full and savored much,
Good friends, good times, a loved one’s touch.
Perhaps my time seemed all too brief,
Lift up your heart and share with me,
God wanted me now, He set me free.
To live in the hearts we leave behind is certainly not to die.
-Read by Felecia (Nicholas’ cousin)
A HOPI PRAYER OF THE SOUL’S GRADUATION
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there,
I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on the ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn’s rain.
When you awaken in a morning hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there,
I did not die.
For everything beautiful that you see,
Will bring everlasting memory of me.
-Read by Stephanie (Nicholas’ cousin)
NOTE: Tomorrow the recap will continue with the song, “If I Could Help Somebody” sung by Ed Harris, and a poem from the first of three speakers, Gina Baker.
Monday, June 12, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
STILL TRUSTING AND BELIEVING
As hard as EVERYTHING has been during the last 18 days, we still trust and believe God to be God and His love to provide what love provides—EVERYTHING. Love is simply and wonderfully perfect and pure and provides everything perfect and pure. Of course, we do not know God’s plans; however, we trust and believe God is perfectly providing for Nicholas in heaven and His love warms our hearts where our hearts sometimes seem to feel so cold, chilled and shaking wanting to be sure Nicholas is full of endless love that provides EVERYTHING…
Remember, we would talk and pray with Nicholas regarding a “new normal” for him as he was navigating all of the “leukemia and bone marrow stuff” and now we talk and pray asking God to help us with our “new normal.” We cannot just move on and we do not want to just move on; we are diligently praying and acting toward this “new normal” and while we trust and believe, it hurts so much moment-by-moment. And we realize that God being God will provide for us, He will comfort us although we first want to know that Nicholas is completely comforted—wanting nothing, full of God’s love providing EVERYTHING. We love Nicholas so!
FRIENDS (THANK YOU GOD)
We know that we are blessed and your love directly and indirectly is amazing. Being the way you have been and continue to be lets us know that we are so blessed. We thank God everyday for you and how you show up in our lives (when we know that you have your lives to live and you include us in living your lives). From meals, to walks, to talks, to love begetting love, we know we are blessed.
All of you…thank you! Tonight, the Nieuwsma girls had mom & dad visit as they indulged us with homemade-baked treats along with tea. And Victoria (the eldest) treated us with peaceful & soothing music from a Harp. As hard as everything has been, the sounds were more than music to our hearts and souls, it was simply heavenly and reassuring in a way that seemed to remind us that Nicholas is in God’s hands and there are absolutely no better hands to be in—not even the loving hands of mom & dad. The song she played was “Purcell’s Ground In F.”
***CONTINUING OUR RECAP OF NICHOLAS’ CELEBRATION OF LIFE***
Before the Interment concluded and the third component of Nicholas’ services—the Celebration of Life—began there was a quiet moment mom & dad had with the keeper of the doves. In that moment, the keeper read and gave us the following poem”
Why God Takes Children
When God calls little children to dwell with Him above,
We mortals sometimes question the wisdom of His love,
For no heartaches compares with the death of one small child,
Who does so much to make our world seems so wonderful and mild.
Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to His fold,
So He picks a rosebud before it can grow.
God knows how much we need them, and so he takes but few,
To make the land of Heaven more beautiful to view.
Believing this is difficult, still somehow we must try.
The saddest word mankind knows will always be “Good-bye.”
So when a little child departs, we who are left behind,
Must realize God loves children: “Angels” are hard to find!
Sunday, June 11, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
YOUR LOVE STILL AMAZES US
Today we learned that Nicholas’ favorite Japanese restaurant, Blue Ginko, served up some of Nicholas’ favorite items—Edamame, Shrimp tempura, and California rolls to some of you visiting Lafayette. And when we visited Nicholas’ Oakmont site this evening, we found a soothing blend of Hawaiian and Californian love through flowers and some sweets left. The deer will love his site even more tonight! And we sure do love all of your continued love and support directly and indirectly felt, thank you very, very much!
***TRANSITIONING TO THE INTERMENT SERVICE***
As the Video Tribute was concluding the Memorial Service, the last picture was a profile of Nicholas, the one seen on the back of the “program” above. Remember, Nicholas was always asking, “Do you want a piece of me?” In Nicholas’ way at the Memorial Service, he was saying, “You will always have a piece of me…” To that end, everyone leaving the Memorial Service received a puzzle piece of Nicholas (from a puzzle made with the profile image).
In addition to the puzzle piece, everyone received a bottle of bubbles and during the procession to the Interment Service, bubbles were streaming from windows of cars from Moraga Valley Presbyterian Church to the Oakmont Memorial Park. (Photos of bubbles coming from cars will also be in the upcoming Celebration of Life photo album.)
BUBBLES AND LOVE FOR MILES
We have heard lots of stories about the length of the procession and we learned that after seeing the size of the love at the Memorial Service, Oakmont Memorial Park called in and immediately received additional motorcycle escorts for the procession. QUESTION: What are your stories about the bubbles, procession, and Nicholas?
THE INTERMENT
Lovingly stated, the interment was about love…a soloist singing “Amazing Grace,” doves released by mom & dad, and butterflies released with many of them staying close by before flying off into the wind at the family Oakmont site. (The upcoming Celebration of Life photo album will include these beautiful moments of the celebration.)
Amazing Grace modified and sung, A-Cappella (no instruments), by Sarah Bannwart:
Amazing Grace! How sweet the sound
That saved a soul like me!
I once was lost, but now am found;
Was blind but now I see.
Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come.
'Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far
And grace will lead me home.
Yes, when this heart and flesh shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.
Amazing grace! How sweet the sound
That saved a soul like me!
I once was lost, but now I know I am found;
He was blind but now Nicholas can see...
***
NOTE: Please stay tuned as we are even closer to providing the details about the Nicholas Colby Fund so you, too, can continually rejoice in knowing that Nicholas’ passion for caring about people will continually thrive…
Saturday, June 10, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
ANOTHER EVENING OF SHARING WITH NICHOLAS
Tonight at the family Oakmont site, mom & dad had pistachios (another Nicholas favorite). Again, while we recognize that the site just holds Nicholas’ body and that his spirit and soul are freely soaring and playing in Heaven and all around us, being at the site daily is another way for us to be close to Nicholas. (We do not need to be at the site to be close spiritually and through “heavenly ways,” we chose to be at the site to be close in this physical way.)
Remember the trees on both sides of the family site, the one on the left can be seen in the third picture under View Photos. A few days ago on that tree we hung a rectangular-caged bird feeder with a mixture of bird food compressed into a block that sits in the caged feeder. At home, Nicholas always loved seeing the birds eating from our bird feeder and splashing around in the birdbath. On the Oakmont grounds and in the air there are plenty of birds including hawks (soaring over Briones Regional Park behind our site), butterflies, squirrels, deer, etc. While there are plenty of birds, the bird feeder is just another touch for Nicholas and the last few days it seems the birds have been enjoying their treat. However, this evening the cage was open and the blocked-food was gone—it appears the squirrels wanted the treat for themselves (we catch them at home leaning over the gutter from the roof trying to get to the bird seeds).
Note: While the grounds crew at Oakmont are putting in the ground cover and plants in the left, right, and back borders of the family site, soon we will have a curved concrete-like bench and bird bath placed on the site.
NICHOLAS AND SONGS: CREATED, MODIFIED, AND SANG
There are so many songs that we regularly sang with and to Nicholas throughout his entire life. Sometimes we sang them the way they were written, sometimes we created songs, and sometimes we modified songs to fit Nicholas or the situations we were experiencing. A favorite modified song had the following verse and it was flowing throughout our hearts tonight:
You’re my love,
You’re my angel,
You’re dream of a son,
I’d like to thank you,
For the waiting patiently,
Yehhh
Daddy is home,
Your daddy is home,
To stay,
I’m not a million miles away…
Many of us have heard that “home is where your heart is!” And home seems to generally be viewed as a place where one is safe, comforted, and loved. As hard as all this has been for 16 days now, we continually pray for God’s love to continually do what It does for Nicholas as well as mom & dad and our other boys. Thinking about the verse above, we feel how much Nicholas is loved as an angel and son of God, that he is home with God, and that he is not a million miles away—he is with us as a loving angel every day.
***CONTINUING OUR RECAP OF NICHOLAS’ CELEBRATION OF LIFE***
As we begin to close the recap of the Memorial Service and transition to the Interment Service, we think back how June 2, 2006 began:
- Nicholas’ song-of-love playing as mom & dad and Nicholas’ brothers walked in with Pastor Tom Dabasinskas. (It is the song playing in the background once this site is accessed; are your PC speakers on right now for you to hear his song about love, about people?)
- Welcome and Prayer
- Friends and Family Remember, six recounts of experiences with Nicholas weaving the joy, laughter, and love that contagiously spread from and to Nicholas
- Soloist performing a song called, “Held”
- Spiritual Message by Pastor Tom Dabasinskas
Then, mom & dad said a few words about Nicholas and everyone in his life, before introducing a Video Tribute about Nicholas—positioning pictures, songs, and you as the ingredients that helped to make Nicholas’ life amazingly special.
Mom & dad talked about a story with “this little boy” (Nicholas), “people” (everyone present and directly or indirectly part of his life), “this lady” (who started the Nicholas Colby Fund), “this lady” again, “people” again, and “this little boy” again.
Mom & dad then talked about conversations we would have with Nicholas, specifically, about always knowing that no matter if we could not see each other, if we could not feel each other, hear each other, or simply were apart, we would know—just know—that each of us would “always” be in the other’s heart and each of us would feel safe, comforted, and loved.
We then talked about a surprise gift that was placed on our doorstep before we were to leave for the Memorial Service. The gift (from that amazing lady again) was a “star” officially re-named "Nicholas Colby" and a framed document & framed map from the International Star Registry providing details about Nicholas' star. The registered star is now “Nicholas Colby” and the coordinates are: Hercules RA 18h 18m 23.34s D15° 49’ 14.52”
So we talked about the sky, Nicholas-as always our shinning star, and another modified verse of a song that we sing (we would hear from the Disney Channel by Jesse McCartney): “Because you live son, my world, has twice as many stars in the sky…”
And then we turned to the large screen as the Video Tribute began (remember, soon it will be available to experience again).
Friday, June 9, 2006 11:08 PM CDT
UPDATED PHOTOS, UPDATED PHOTOS
Photos from Denver are now available on the third album below, under Links. Please scroll toward the end of that album to see Nicholas' one-on-one love with mom, with dad, his brothers, The Children's Hospital-Denver nurses, Bugs Bunny & Daffy Duck, Brent's Place staff, and a baby at TCH-Denver.
Photos from the Celebration of Life including the bubbles, doves, butterflies, and you are upcoming.
IT IS SO HARD TO GO ON
Today marks 15 days since Nicholas has passed and 15 days that he has been free, “truly” playing and having fun because he is free off all earthly ills. However, it is so very hard, everyday to breathe, to go about the day even though we are going about the days loving him, and loving the work that we are concentrating on that he would be doing…the Nicholas Colby Fund.
Tonight at his Oakmont site, we had chips & salsa. Remember, he loved chips & salsa so much that he even negotiated for them with the doctors during some medical challenges that he faced.
***CONTINUING OUR RECAP OF NICHOLAS’ CELEBRATION OF LIFE***
Following is the message delivered by the 5th of six family and friends speakers (although the immediate-previous journals included the first four, the sixth, and the song that was sung during the Memorial Service). The 5th speaker, Marie Andel, is from AAA and many of you will remember the amazing ways AAA has supported mom & dad along this journey, even now. Like the Golden State Warriors in many regards, it is one thing to say that you are an organization that cares about people; it is another thing to not only show that but also “be that—a caring organization.”
“It is quite overwhelming to be here today talking to all of you after hearing those amazing words and seeing Lamont and Sheila's family. Sheila and Lamont's love and faith have been truly inspiring and is evidenced by their beautiful children.
Lamont and I have talked from time to time over the past year and a half. We would talk about Nicholas and his prognosis, how he was feeling and what he was up to. We agreed in the past few months that we needed a miracle. It was pretty obvious to us - that was what was needed. I suspect many of you have been praying for one, too. Well, we got one. True, we may not have got precisely the one we were asking for but we aren't in charge, are we? But we truly got a miracle. At least that is what I call it when a little boy is able to affect so many people in such positive ways. Just look around the room at all these people, at how many lives were touched by Nicholas.
Nicholas reminded us how important it is to treat each moment we have together as a gift.
He taught us how families need to pull together when times are tough - he taught us to redefine what families are.
He reminded us what is important in life.
He reminded us that it is not always the destination that is important but the journey.
It has been quite a journey for Nicholas and I am comforted by the knowledge that he is in a wonderful place now.
Many of you know that Nicholas had recently taken to the phrase "do you want a piece of me?" And we are grateful for the piece of himself that he gave all of us. Thank you, Nicholas.
Lamont and Sheila - I hope you know that you have so many friends who love you very much.”
Thursday, June 8, 2006 10:55 PM CDT
BEFORE CONTINUING OUR RECAP OF NICHOLAS’ CELEBRATION OF LIFE
Mom & dad and Nicholas’ brothers are so grateful for the continued support & love flowing our way through individual and group actions from family, friends, and even new friends that we have not known until now. Nicholas’ spirit is fully present and amazingly touching us in warm, caring, loving ways. And we recognize that through your direct and indirect support and love, how you continue to show up in our lives is completing the circle of love that we have coined, “love begetting love.”
Thank you for staying with us, your presence on the Guest Book, and staying tuned for the details about the Nicholas Colby Fund. There is so, so much to share and we are getting really close to doing just that so you, too, can rejoice in knowing that Nicholas’ passion for caring about people will continually thrive…
And now, on with our recap of Nicholas’ June 2, 2006 Celebration of Life!
But first, tonight’s reading at Nicholas’ site was “Zack’s Alligator” by Shirley Mozelle. Nicholas’ favorite part was about the meatloaf sandwiches.
***CONTINUING OUR RECAP OF NICHOLAS’ CELEBRATION OF LIFE***
After our six family and friends speakers whose presentations are in the previous journals, the Memorial Service transitioned into song. Mom’s life-long friend, Linda Freitas (who, at dad’s request, actually cut Nicholas’ umbilical cord when he was born) sang a song, “Held,” that is sung by Natalie Grant.
NOTE: Soon online we will have this song, along with other songs at the Celebration, and the video tribute. In the meantime, you could probably go to your music server (like Yahoo Music to see the video and hear the song).
Held by Natalie Grant, sung at Nicholas’ Celebration of Life by Linda Freitas:
Two months is too little
They let him go they had no sudden healing
To think that providence would take a child from his mother while she prays is appalling
Who told us we’d be rescued
What has changed, and why should we be saved from nightmares
We’re asking why this happens, to us who have died to live it’s unfair
This is what it means to be Held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell we’d be Held
This hand is bitterness we want to taste it,
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow!
This is what it means to be Held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell we’d be Held
If hope is born of suffering,
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait for one hour
Watching for our Savior
This is what it means to be Held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was—“when everything fell, we’d be Held”
We’d be Held
And this is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell, we’d be Held
This is what it means to be Held!
Wednesday, June 7, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
LOVE AND PRAYERS
This evening mom & dad went to Nicholas’ site at Oakmont Memorial Park in Lafayette as we have everyday (please click on View Photos and scroll to the third picture). We recognize that this spot is just a resting place for his body as his spirit is all around us, everywhere that we are, so the time at his site is just a connection place—and it is such a beautiful place with the gentle breeze flowing over the mountain ridges and softly sweeping through the valleys, along with a view of Mount Diablo to the East and the sun setting to the West.
Tonight we did a few of his favorite things at his Oakmont site: Flew a small kite, read “I Want To Be Somebody New!” by Robert Lopshire, and prayed. Our prayers are grounded in love and understanding. On the understanding, we trust and believe God’s words while we do struggle so very, very much not having Nicholas physically with us. And we know, we just feel and trust that Nicholas is absolutely in a better place—even with our amazing love for Nicholas, we cannot selfishly want him here when he is lively, angelically, and heavenly flourishing along God’s side.
Along Nicholas’ journey we gave praise for the way, with God, Nicholas was navigating the treatments, set backs, and new medical challenges. As we reflect, we are so grateful for the additional time—time after time—we had with Nicholas when all medical interventions did not result in what we were hoping for although miraculously Nicholas came through loving, living, and loving some more. Perhaps, God was allowing Nicholas to touch more lives in more places such as Denver. Well, instead of “perhaps” we say “to God’s plan” Nicholas was doing God’s work; God was fulfilling Nicholas and preparing Nicholas; God lovingly enabled a warm and soothing transition for Nicholas with so many of you present two weeks ago tomorrow (May 25, 2006); and for God & all of us (especially children) Nicholas is still in our lives in amazing ways. Through the Nicholas Colby Fund, Nicholas will continually touch all of our hearts bringing smiles on our faces, especially children.
***CONTINUING OUR RECAP OF NICHOLAS’ CELEBRATION OF LIFE***
Following is the contents from the sixth message, from Dave Nieuwsma (a family friend), delivered during the Friends and Family Remember portion of the Memorial Service. Tomorrow it will be the words and other information to the song, "Held," sung by our family friend—Linda Freitas—after the Friends and Family Remember portion...
THE REST OF THE STORY
One might think that Nicholas’ story began January 27,2000 (the day he was born) and ended May 25,2006 (the day he passed away.) Is that the end of the story? Is that all there is? Do we close the book? Not exactly! His story began long before January 2000—before the foundation of the world, actually, and continues today. In fact, his story does not end—it is a forever story. It is a story that shows God’s omniscience, His omnipotence and omnipresence. It is a story of hope, of joy, and of peace.
God is an omniscient God. He is all-knowing. God knew before he was born that Nicholas would be with us exactly 6 years, 3 months and 28 days. Psalm 139 says, “For you created my inmost being. You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”
Before the foundation of time, God knew the exact number of breaths Nicholas would take, every word he would say, how many lives he would touch. Luke 12:7 tells us God knows the number of hairs on our heads. For Nicholas, I’m not sure if that was before or after chemo. Actually, it was before, during AND after his treatment.
God had a plan for Nicholas, as He does for each of us. The Bible tells us, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.“ God knew exactly what He wanted to accomplish in Nicholas’ life. Nicholas was very efficient—he got the job done in 6 ½ years. It’s taking a little longer for the rest of us.
God knew every pain Nicholas felt, every tear that fell from his eyes, every smile that would cross his face. Right now Nicholas is feeling no pain, he is shedding no tears. I am sure he is smiling a lot, though. The Scriptures tell us in Revelation 21:4—“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away…” He said, “I am making everything new.”
God can make all things new. He is an omnipotent God—He is all-powerful. He can do anything.
Nicholas liked to play a game—“I’ve got the power.” I wonder how well that’s going over with God. Nicholas, you may have the power, but God has ALL the power. Genesis 1:1 says, “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.” The awesome God of the universe, who spoke the world into existence, created Nicholas (with a little help from Lamont & Sheila.) God created the sunshine, he created the rain. He made the oceans, with the dolphins Nicholas loved so much. He made the deserts. God created man in His own image--he made Nicholas like Him. He made you and me like Him, too.
God knows everything, He can do anything and He is everywhere (omnipresent.)
God has promised never to leave us or forsake us (Heb. 13:5.) Many have wondered how Lamont & Sheila have made it through all the ups and downs of the past 18 months. Their hope & peace has been in the Lord. God has & always will be with them & with all who trust Him. He has been with Nicholas throughout the whole journey.
He was there when Nicholas was initially diagnosed with leukemia in November of 2004. He was there in April of 2005 when Nicholas received his bone marrow transplant. God was there when Nicholas relapsed in September 2005. He was there in November 2005 when the doctors reported a partial remission. He was there when Nicholas relapsed in January of this year. He has been with the Gilberts from Children’s Hospital in Oakland to Lucille Packard Medical Center at Stanford to Children’s Hospital in Denver, Colorado. God has been there the whole time through all the ups and downs, good news and bad news, home to hospital and back again. How have they survived through it all?
Philippians 4 says: “Rejoice in the Lord always. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
God gives a peace the world cannot understand, joy in the midst of pain and a hope that does not disappoint. His omniscience, omnipotence & omnipresence surround us.
Nicholas’ story is not over. His time here on earth has been a preface to eternity—the rest of the story. God makes a promise in his Word. John 3:16 tells us that God loves us so much He sent His one and only Son to die for us. Whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.
Our hope & prayer is that each one here will have the peace that only God can give. There will come a time for each of us to say good-bye to this world & enter eternity. Will you be ready?
I will conclude my words with a hymn (Don’t worry—I’m not going to sing it, just read the words…)
“My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus’ blood and righteousness; I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean on Jesus’ name. On Christ the Solid Rock I stand; all other ground is sinking sand; all other ground is sinking sand…”
Dave Nieuwsma
Tuesday, June 6, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
MOM & DAD HAVE SO MUCH MORE TO SHARE AND GIVE
Keeping with our sharing of the Memorial Service, Interment Service, and Celebration of Nicholas’ Life from last Friday through recapping that day, it will include the thoughts we shared during the overall celebration as well. Those initial thoughts will be shared in a few days, followed by our other thoughts.
However, as we think about our hearts and lives since May 25, 2006, it is God who we lean on (as we did when Nicholas was navigating all the “leukemia and bone marrow stuff”) to guide us through each day. It is not easy at all, as the knots in our stomachs are present 24-hours a day. And we think about the different types of “knots”-so to speak that Nicholas was dealing with every day for 552 days.
Our focus was to love and help to protect, guide, and see Nicholas through ensuring that things were being done “for” him and not “to” him. As his mother and father, we imagine, we feel, we trust, and we believe God as our mother/father is loving us in every imaginable and unimaginable way toward seeing us through the gut-wrenching times of our lives associated with the loss of Nicholas. And we are reminded that our loss is not a loss for Nicholas for he has found his place at our Father’s side and that is the right place to be. We struggle with balancing our thinking toward this understanding and continually pray, trust, and focus on love in every aspect to better understand and to guide our understanding.
MAKING A DIFFERENCE IN CHILDREN’S LIVES
As the Nicholas Colby Fund continues to ramp up, the opportunities to tangibly make a difference in the lives of children are coming together very nicely. And the solid, favorable impact on their lives is expected to also provide love in the hearts of their parents and/or loved ones.
Remember, love begetting love that we often wrote about in Nicholas’ journals? Well, Nicholas’ rays of sunshine are warming our hearts and his endless passion for caring about others, via the Nicholas Colby Fund, continues to amaze—love begetting love. The Fund is getting closer and closer to providing to you the loving details that will make amazing differences in children’s lives.
Once again, the Golden State Warriors (professional basketball team) are amazing us with their support and love for Nicholas via the Nicholas Colby Fund. Here too, details will soon be provided.
***CONTINUING OUR RECAP OF NICHOLAS’ CELEBRATION OF LIFE***
Following is the contents from the fourth message, from Nicholas’ teacher Ms. Shirley, delivered during the Friends and Family Remember portion of the Memorial Service.
“Nicholas Gilbert began his journey to Diablo Valley Montessori in 2002 when his family followed a favorite teacher from a school that was closing in Moraga. Her name was Lani, and Manmeet was one of his teachers there also.
Then he came to Jenny and Lani’s class and he was there one year, then to Shirley, Jessica, and Moni’s class in 2003-4 until he left us in what I now term unforgettable November. All totaled Nicholas spent almost 480 hours at Diablo Valley Montessori. He came when Sheila could part from him (always late, but now considered heavenly minutes), but I had late quality time with him as mom rarely arrived until 6:00PM or after.
Children left long periods of time are considered typical students, especially in the Montessori framework. After everyone left, our practical life activities included sweeping, turning off lights, putting away snacks and drying dishes. After all chores were done, he liked to watch Crosby’s Little Bill-loving Alice the Great Grandmother who had so much respect on that show and laughing our sides out at Elephant, Bills little hamster.
One episode concerned, ironically, a visit to the hospital. Also ironically, this was his favorite. It had a Hip Hop rock that said, “I broke my arm, it hurts so bad, gotta go to hospital” with all the correct gyrating movements of a good Hip Hopper. He loved that song and would parade around the rug (often with me in tow) chanting those words.
I haven’t watched Little Bill since November 04.
He was an excellent student, once he could stop being social-and was well on his way to solid academic work before his arm hurt. All of his teachers fell in love with him and in our role at Montessori, this is easy to do with each child. From the time a little one, from 3 months to 5 years is admitted, they are welcomed both socially, spiritually and physically.
Early in the Toddler Class he showed unusual friendly welcoming skills. He wanted to know each name of any adult or child coming through the door and would remember it the next time he saw them.
He was a physical child and loved to run and climb, sandbox play, modeling skills, and sit and chat with either the children or teachers. He showed great gross movement skills with kickball and basketball and T-Ball.
As a typical 4 year old, he had his moments-most of them jolly and funny. Take the Popsicle incident. Hearing that Popsicles had been served for a party in Suzette’s class, some other mates including brave Ben and Nicholas climbed up on stools, opened the fridge and helped themselves to Popsicles when they were supposed to be simply going pee.
Of course, they wore the evidence. Obvious with mouths and lips resembling bright orange and Nicholas was chagrined that he not only had to buy the Popsicles to replace them, but carry them in front of his peers and apologize to Suzette...
One day he had been a bit aggressive with a little girl on a slide. I will never forget as Lamont came, he held Nicholas back from the group to reiterate my request that he never push people down the slide. Lamont had on a brown suit and lovingly had his arm around Nicholas explaining everything. I thought to myself then what special parents Sheila and Lamont were to always support positive attitudes and loving behavior towards others.
He has been my companion, my student, my buddy and my willing listener. As an older person in his life, I have shared more of my life with him as a kid then I have any other child because we have had such alone times-which now I review as extraordinarily precious.
His favorite story involved the Hawaiian state fish and every time we would come to it in the book, he would take the cue and say it- Humuhumu-nukunuku-a pua a. When he went to Hawaii to swim with the dolphins, he went around impressing everyone there with his Hawaiiana store of knowledge, knowing the state bird, mammal, fish, flower. He knew that Queen Lilliokalani wrote Aloha Oe and the circumstances under which she was tested writing that song at Iolani Palace.
At a luau, one of my favorite pictures is Nicholas looking at a petite Tahitian dancer as she is wearing the most amazing coconuts on top. I’ve seen those before, but never in a coconut.
His favorite friends were Brandon, Amanda, Jessica, Kierra and Teddy. Teddy was his host on nights this past year when he came into his old Montessori classroom and we had night school. He went right back to materials he had used and was open and willing to re-learn ones he had forgotten. He was becoming a perfectionist. If it wasn’t right, he would erase it. Joining the other 2 at snack table was bit of what it was like before, and Lamont and Sheila wisely pulled away and just let him enjoy himself.
These children were amongst many who adored and loved Nicholas. Now they will never forget him, as one always remembers going through a first leaving. At our luau on Sunday, we will have a huge picture of Nicholas in Silhouette against a Hawaiian sunset sky. Whether we remember his smile, his fabulous sense of humor and monkey-boy-ness, his lovingness and helpfulness to others, he had it all wrapped up in one.
We were lucky the other school closed and that Lani motivated the family to bring him to us. Those almost 500 hours with us were extraordinary and I now read a cute story:
I wanted to share the story that Sheila told me about her Mothers Night experience a few years back. Sheila overheard a mother shushing her little boy. He seemed to be trying to say something important. Sheila couldn’t help overhearing, and breaking out in laughter, when she heard the boy point at Nicholas and say, “Look at him, his mommy is white and his daddy is blue!”-Author unknown.”
I now share Lanis thoughts about Nicholas:
“Unforgettable Nicholas-He would ask every person who came through the door what their name was, never had to ask twice and always remembered and greeted them by name everyday.
The teachers at that school would come into my classroom in the morning just to look at and talk to this beautiful, precocious child.
Somehow I know Nicholas is standing beside St. Peter at the gate to Heaven greeting each newcomer, and he already knows their name. Lovingly, Your Teacher-Miss Lani”
Monday, June 5, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
***CONTINUING OUR RECAP OF NICHOLAS’ CELEBRATION OF LIFE***
Following is the third message during the Friends and Family Remember portion of the Memorial Service. (Tomorrow it will be the message that was presented by his teacher, Ms. Shirley.)
Hi, my name is KJ Estudillo and I am 13-years-old. Thank you, Lamont and Sheila, for allowing me to speak today. I am deeply honored and touched. My heart goes out to you, Chris, Tim and Matt.
I first met Nicholas last June, 2005 at the Ronald McDonald House in Palo Alto. He was in Suite 101 and I was in Suite 102. I kinda knew we were both at Lucile Packard Children’s Hospital at the same time, but because we
were both bone marrow transplant patients and we were immunosurpressed, I couldn’t be out of my room to see the other kids at 2-North.
But after my 36-day stay at the hospital, I met Nicholas when we lived atthe Ronald McDonald House. Nicholas would knock on my door every morning…okay, noon and night…my father would answer the door and Nicholaswould always, say, “Can KJ come out and play?” We would play video
games or watch a DVD. We would play like typical boys…like fake sword fighting, pretending we were in Star Wars, or running up and down the hallways with another bone marrow transplant patient named Jacob (Hi Anne). There
was never a bad time for me to play with Nicholas; I could play with him 24 hours a day…okay…when I’m not sleeping or eating.
And how could I even forget the times Sheila would make lunch for Nicholas and me? Thanks, Sheila. Lunches with Nicholas every day made me really feel like we were brothers.
What was really special were the times Nicholas and me would cuddle on the couch at night with our mothers watching a DVD (and he had a huge collection!)…and then breaking at 9 p.m. for our IV drip hydration. Or the
times Sheila and my mom would work on a 1000-piece puzzle and then have me and Nicholas put in the final piece.
Who could forget Nicholas with cash money on one hand, his brown doll named “Nicholas” and his favorite clothing on the other hand? Always attached to his t-shirt was a heavy pin holding up his Broviac catheter. Oh yes, did we dread that thing attached to our chest. Well, Nicholas, you finally got that Broviac off of you!
When Nicholas left the Ronald McDonald House, we continued our friendship and I would visit him in Lafayette, …or wherever he was…he was sure to call and tell me.
My father and I had our plane tickets to board a flight to Denver for last Friday, only to have Lamont call us on Wednesday telling us Nicholas was flying back to Stanford.
I last spoke to Nicholas several weeks ago when we were talking about my trip to visit him in Denver, and I was counting down the days with him. I told him I couldn’t wait to see him, and the last thing I said to him was
“I love you, Nicholas”, and he said, “I love you, too.” That’s how we would always end our phone calls.
Yes, my heart aches for my best little buddy. I am so, so sad he is gone. I can’t even believe he passed away. And I was so honored to be in the room last May 25th when Nicholas took his last breath. As I watched his
blood pressure on the monitor go down to zero, I held his right hand and I shouted, “Thank you God for sending us a guardian angel.”
And that is exactly what Nicholas is to us all…an ANGEL.
What has Nicholas taught us? For only a 6-year-old boy, Nicholas taught the world so much---more than anyone even 10 times his age could teach us. But for me, he taught me several things:
1. Nicholas taught me about strength and courage. Being in
middle school, there can be so much pre-teen drama. One of my classmate said, “she hates life and life sucks.” I told her I know a 5-year-old boy who is fighting leukemia, what can YOU possibly complain about?! What can I complain about?!
2. Nicholas taught me not to complain. While I was recovering from my bone marrow transplant, I would have to take about 18 pills a day. Some, like cyclosporine were huge elephant-like pills, which smelled like rotten egg, and I had to take about 5 of those a day. Now I was then
12-years-old, so I can swallow pills. But Nicholas couldn’t swallow pills then, and either Sheila had to grind up the pills or give them to him in liquid form. And those medicine were nasty tasting! How can I complain if
this little kid had more to take in liquid form?!
3. Nicholas taught me about love. As you know, Nicholas was such a happy boy, with his remarks that would make you laugh. Like he would say, “You want a piece of me?” or he would say, “Oh Snap!” or something in a certain crazy accent. He made everybody feel loved and special. Everybody who encountered him felt loved.
4. Nicholas reminded me that life is short. I realized that life is short when I was suddenly diagnosed with Severe Aplastic Anemia and when I received bone marrow from my baby brother, Zachary. Nicholas reminded me that life IS short, to live for the moment and don’t worry about
tomorrow. We were ready to see each other last week, but he passed away the day before I was to see him.
I also learned from my illness that there is God and God is a healer, and God has bigger plans for us. So, I know God has plans for Nicholas. He is using Nicholas to teach us. He is using Nicholas to teach us about love. He has Nicholas in His loving arms and Nicholas is running up and down the hallways of heaven, playing swords and asking Jesus, “You want a piece ofme?”
I love you Nicholas, I will always keep you in my heart. I will never,ever, ever forget you…. because you inspire me.
I love you Lamont and Sheila. Thank you for treating me like a son, and most of all, thank you for sharing Nicholas with us. And finally, thank you God for bringing Nicholas to this world.
Love, KJ
Sunday, June 4, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
TODAY
Today was the 10th day since Nicholas has passed and each day we have missed Nicholas so terribly that our stomachs are in knots. And, we remember that Nicholas did not like to see us sad. And, we know that Nicholas is at God’s side: comforted and loved beyond any desired earthly dream so he is without pain, he is full of light and with all surroundings freely illuminated and heavenly satisfying. And, we are reminded that because of God we know that it is only Nicholas’ body on the earth while his path in heavenly life has his spirit freely soaring to the heights of his desires.
So while we do ache for Nicholas we trust and believe God’s love and his promise that Nicholas is without need, freely soaring to the heights of his desires in every imaginable & unimaginable way.
***CONTINUING OUR RECAP OF NICHOLAS’ CELEBRATION OF LIFE***
Following is the second message during the Friends and Family Remember portion of the Memorial Service. (Tomorrow it will be the message that was presented by his friend, KJ.)
Message from Nikko’s Aunt Kathy
Title: We Should Have Known!
1) We Should Have Known – When you, Nikko, were 1st born you had a special purpose. Your 1st gift was to be the bridge for your blended family & community…AND you did that so well with your quick wit, your smile, your energy, and your laughter. From Day 1, with your golden brown afro and sparkling blue eyes--you simply were beyond BEAUTIFUL – both inside and out!
2) We Should Have Known – When you started preparing for school you would master both Spanish and English at the same time. Because for you, working on just ONE thing at a time was not enough.
3) We Should Have Known – When you were1st diagnosed it wouldn’t be the typical symptoms and it wouldn’t start slow. A simple, my wrist hurts would lead to YOUR parents and doctor taking immediate action based on the smallest symptom AND demand tests that others thought were not necessary.
4) We Should Have Known – Your mission would demonstrate that miracles still occur. You wouldn’t have just one perfect Bone Marrow match, But 2 to pick from. You would have 3, not just 1 hospital aggressively join your mission – as well as many doctors you would never meet live take active part in your battle thru email only.
5) We Should Have Known - your fight would include an army of extraordinary people doing extraordinary things! Your parents, their company-AAA, your friends, your family, your medical teams and even strangers doing anything and everything they could - Not because we had to. —Because our hearts demanded it!
6) We Should Have Known - that your journey would not be an easy one—Because your spirit, your strength, your love for life needed to teach us how to rise above every obstacle. Instead of saying why me? You would say, mom and dad I’m sorry you can’t go to work today, but I’m glad you’re here with me.. This after months of 24-hr/day stay in the hospital where your parents never, I mean NEVER left your side.
7) We Should Have Known – your mom and dad would be our role models – they would be your body & spirit guards—demanding to be taught how to administer your meds from home. They would learn the medical options and complex jargon so they could carefully and meticulously chart for all of us to follow your online journal of pictures, poems and medical stats… We should have known, doctors too would learn from you.
8) We Should Have Known – That even in your last days when the doctors openly above your bed used the dreaded word ‘terminal’, Your mom and dad would later ask you, what did you hear? Your simple, but angelic response was—I heard that I’m a special kid!”
9) We Should Have Known - you wouldn’t hear or get distracted by anything but the positive. Often asking your parents to buy birthday gifts for other patients fighting the same battle. We should have known, you would always, I mean ALLWAYS, think of others first, before you thought of yourself..
10) We Should Have Known – You would fight the hard fight to the very end. You would have a website with a record # of hits per day. Strangers, family and friends all wanting, needing to be a part of your journey. To learn from you…
11) We Should Have Known … And NOW we do!!! Your life/ your mission was special!! With YOU we have truly witnessed a rare and precious ANGEL on earth. And Your legacy will live on as a unending gift, a beacon call to action for each of us to follow…We NOW KNOW you have taught us to Live Large, to Love Deeply and to embrace each and every obstacle with a flaming zest for life…
12) As I often wrote in your journal, and I say again now, THANK YOU my little Warrior Angel for your many unending gifts. WE CLEARLY KNOW NOW AND PROMISE TO NEVER FORGET … We will continue your mission …
I will Love You Always and Forever.
NOTE:
Please click on View Photos to see the inside cover of the "program" including Nicholas' artwork that has lots of pots of gold, details of the program, and the angelic resting spot of Nicholas' body.
Saturday, June 3, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
NICHOLAS' CONTINUED JOURNEY AND STORIES...
Starting today we will recap yesterdays's Celebration of Nicholas' Life by sharing the speeches, poems, songs, and stories. The stories will come from you as presented and/or unfolded during the celebration.
NOTES:
1) Please click on View Photos to see the inside cover of the "program," details of the program, and the angelic resting spot of Nicholas' body.
2) A separate photo album of photos capturing the celebration, including the "bubble" procession, release of the doves and butterflies, and the "piece" of Nicholas that we all now have will soon be accessible.
3) And we expect to have the Video Tribute linked to this site sometime next week.
4) Photos from the time we left for Denver will also soon be accessible.
***SPEECH FROM ONE OF HIS BROTHERS***
After opening with Nicholas' song-of-love that plays when this website is accessed, and a welcome & prayer from our Pastor, the Memorial continued with the following speech from one of Nicholas' brothers:
"I decided to write a letter to my brother…
Nicholas,
Hey buddy, daddy must’ve been right you are the golden child, look at everyone here celebrating you.
Growing up as a single child, I always wanted brothers. I was blessed with two step brothers but I always wanted a baby around and you were the answer, the baby brother I always wanted. The baby that I remember always asking about saying: “When will he talk? When will he walk?” I wanted you to grow up so fast so I could do the things big brothers do with and even sometimes do to their baby brothers.
I remember January 27, 2000 rushing to the hospital for your birth but getting there too late and walking into the room to see you being held by mommy and daddy. I remember swinging you in your swinging chair. I remember your cries…even though I’m still convinced that you faked some of them.
I remember playing endlessly with you, I remember taking your socks off and throwing them across the room…even when it made you mad. I remember cuddling with you and falling asleep with you on the couch. I remember you sleeping in my bed with me…even when you would constantly talk and ask questions instead of going to sleep. And I remember you kicking me in bed those nights too.
I remember mornings when you would wake up early and come into my room, pull the covers off me and wake me up…even though the night before you promised you wouldn’t do that. I remember you walking around the house looking at pictures of me, saying and even arguing that they were you.
I remember missing you so much when I was away at college only to come back home and see how much you had grown in the short time I was away. I remember all the phone conversations we had together and I remember our little game when I said “guess what?” and you said right away “I love you!” I remember all of your messages you left me on my cell phone…they’re still there.
I remember you sitting and cheering at my basketball games, yelling my name…and getting mad when I didn’t turn or look back and respond to you. I remember you running out of daddy’s arms and running alongside the team in Santa Cruz as we ran out of the locker room and onto the court. And I remember you being the best halftime show I’ve ever seen.
I remember November 19, 2004 when I was in Seattle preparing for the first game of my Senior season, not knowing what was going on back home. I remember looking at my phone after the game and seeing that I had at least 10 missed calls from “Dad’s Cell,” just knowing that something was wrong when I heard his message. I remember “that call” and that was the beginning of all that “Leukemia and Bone Marrow stuff”…even though at the time I didn’t exactly know what it really was or what it really meant.
I remember crying on the shoulders of my teammates and coaches that night, wanting to fly home that minute. But I remember daddy telling me he wouldn’t let me, telling me to play our last game of the weekend and come see you Sunday when I got back. So I did that and I remember driving to Oakland and buying a Spiderman toy for you on the way.
I remember all the trials and tribulations you encountered along the roller coaster that would become your final ride in “body.” I remember the hospitals, I remember The Ronald McDonald House, your Bone Marrow Transplant and through it all…I remember how strong you were and still are.
I remember seeing you and spending our last physical days together during Mother’s Day weekend in Denver, at Brent’s Place. And I remember May 25, 2006 at 12:47 PM when you left me in body and moved up to a better place in heaven where you’ll always be my brother, my friend, my hero, and my angel.
There are so many memories I have of you and I will carry them with me forever; I’ll always be your big brother Chrissy. You taught me so much in your 6-plus years and today I see so much of you in me. I’m so proud to say that I’m your big brother. I can picture you now, sitting up in heaven smiling down on all of us saying “Boo! Did I scare you?” or “You wanna piece of me?” And you know what …I do wanna piece of you, a piece that I can hold onto until the day I see you again. When I can pick you up and just give you a big hug and kiss. Through all of these memories, I know we’re not remembering your death but actually celebrating your life and I find some comfort in knowing that you’re looking down on me—normal again, free of the pain and medicines.
You always were a fast kid and I guess you just made it to the sunshine and to heaven before me. So I’ll see you when I get there; I love so you much Nicholas, I’ll never forget you.
Love always,
Your big brother Chrissy"
Friday, June 2, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
AMAZING!
TODAY
Today as Nicholas’ Memorial Service began, it wonderfully began with sounds that many of us have become so accustomed to…Nicholas’ song-of-love playing as Pastor Tom Dabasinskas, our other boys, and mom & dad walked into the sanctuary.
Amazing because the spirit of Nicholas was so alive throughout the Moraga Valley Presbyterian Church. Seemingly—and although we know angelic—enjoying it from the MEMORIAL SERVICE and the bubble procession that followed…to the release of doves and butterflies at the INTERMENT…and with the continual love of hundreds of “people” during the CELEBRATION OF LIFE remembering, sharing, and enjoying the beauty of Nicholas and God’s work manifesting in our hearts because of His work in Nicholas.
While there was prayer; nine speakers (at two of the three components of today’s celebration), three separate soloists performing (one at each celebration component); performance by four beautiful-little harpists; bubbles, doves, and butterflies; Thunder of the Golden State Warriors professional basketball team sharing his and the Warriors’ organization’s love through the interaction with Thunder during an “open mic” portion of the Celebration of Life component; …it was Nicholas’ favorite thing that truly made today amazing. It was…the people!
It was everyone present representing an unbelievable cross section of Nicholas’ life. From family, friends, school, hospitals, church, and cross sections of those that have come to know Nicholas by his actions of love that have become word of mouth to so many. Mom & dad realize that it is about Nicholas and God’s love for Nicholas and all of us, that IS making Nicholas' journey amazing. We are so proud of our 6-year old boy who continually and vibrantly lives in spirit…teaching us over the past six years, today, and now...forever.
CONTINUING JOURNEY
The stories of Nicholas Colby Gilbert were amazing because of the interactions with you, with people from everywhere. There are now so many more stories to tell. As one person wrote on tonight’s Guest Book, “The stories, music, and planned details were beautiful to participate in and so perfect for not only a child, but brought so much comfort and release to those present.”
Over the next week we will share the speeches, poems, songs, and stories of love from the Memorial Service, Interment, and Celebration of Life. We are so excited to be getting ready to share today’s experiences because we will get to experience them again and again! Oh, and the “program” describing how our day unfolded will be shared because it tells a story as well. A story of Nicholas’ artwork integrated onto the program and his pictures that provide a glimpse into his world. And, we are determining the best way to make the “Video Tribute” set to poignant music available to you as well-“The Story of Nicholas.”
There were dozens of people behind the scenes creating and delivering a moving experience—The Celebration of Nicholas’ Life. Because we just referenced the program and video tribute, we are referencing our thanks to another dear friend of ours, Ginny, who tirelessly and lovingly produced the program and video tribute providing a consistent look & feel of “The Story of Nicholas.” What an amazing friend and what amazing friends you will hear more about!
Thank you so much for your Guest Book entries, they are very helpful to mom & dad as well as our other boys, and we have learned they are so inspiring to the Nicholas Colby community which is this website.
……
Nicholas’ legacy will live on through……
The Nicholas Colby Fund:
A non-profit fund established by a dear friend of ours to help other children or children of parents who are sick or suffer setbacks—lovingly providing for children. The Nicholas Colby Fund is in memory of our beautiful son, Nicholas, who will continue to vibrantly live in all of our lives. More information about the Nicholas Colby Fund will soon be provided.
Tax-deductible donations may be made to:
Nicholas Colby Fund
1547 Palos Verdes Mall, PMB 260
Walnut Creek, CA 94597-2228